Monthly Archives: October 2010

When we found out we were expecting again, it was shock immediately followed by joy and excitement. Still, because of my age and past miscarriages, we knew there were risks and that the next two months would be a matter of waiting and hoping. For these reasons, we chose only to tell immediate family, planning to announce to everyone else after our ultrasound. My first two checkups with the midwives went well and my bloodwork was great. Still, I felt something was not all right. We had our ultrasound yesterday, on our ninth weding anniversary, and rather than celebrating, we found out our baby had stopped developing a while ago.
It was very hard for Miles, especially, who could not wait to see his baby on the screen, only to learn our baby did not make it. He has taken it very hard. We are all very sad.
I have tried to be detached about everything, knowing the worst could happen and knowing why it could happen. Still, the lesson i have learned is this: that one could never truly be detached, one could never be ready to hear the worst, and that even though I know of all the logical reasons why this baby did not make it, I will ask myself “why??”. If I had fully embraced this experience, risks and all, would the positive energy have made the baby stay? Crazy, I know. But you think of the what if’s and what I could’ve done differently. This I know for sure, that this was a very wanted and loved baby. I was just afraid to face the love deeply knowing we could lose her/him. But, now I know trying to distance oneself does not help. It hurts just as much. The worst part is knowing the baby is gone, but I have not gone through the physical miscarriage yet. It will be an emotional and physically painful experience. Unlike giving birth, I will not have this baby to hold.
I know we are blessed with three wonderful children. But allow us to grieve for a while for the one who is not a part of us any longer. As soon as we came home, Miles went to the playroom and drew a picturw of our house, with our address number above, and stork carrying a baby. On the other side, he wrote “Baby please come back.”
Baby, please come back. We love you and always have.

Today, the Albany Judo Club hosted its 45th annual tournament, held at the Albany High gym. In spite of Miles having been in Japan all week and not practicing, he did really well for his second time on the mats. He did not place this time, but we could tell he learned a lot and tried some new, good moves.

More importantly, he made friends with the kids he competed against. I wanted to emphasize to him that just like he competes against his friends in judo class, he will meet the same kids in his age/skill range at these tournaments, and so he will become friends with these very same boys that he will be competing against. Instead of getting too nervous or serious about it all, he can have fun and remember that he’s competing against friends.

In his first match today, he did a perfect throw. I got so excited I whooped, and got scolded by my mother who felt sorry for the other boy. But, I made sure to congratulate all of the kids and encouraged Miles to talk with each of them, to get to know them, whether he won or lost. It was neat to see 6 and 7 year olds shaking hands, patting each other’s backs and talking with each other animatedly about judo before and after they competed against each other. While all of the clubs in the bay area are pretty good, there are some that emphasize the competition more than others. I’m really glad that Albany Judo Club emphasizes fun and friendship and learning skills over winning or even competing. It’s sometimes funny to see everyone warming up in the beginning. You’ll see a lot of the kids in other clubs sparring, running laps, their dads giving them some serious tips. Then, when you look over to our group, you’ll see the kids tumbling and wrestling Flora, their 16 year old sensei (who is a national champion). It doesn’t keep the kids in our club from winning though. Quite a few of the older ones are national champions, and the 1st and 2nd generation founders of the club were in the Olympics.

Matteo, who did not compete, was part of the opening ceremony/show. He was so cute rolling around and showing their judo skills. Then later in the day, he helped pass out the medals to all of the winners. He felt very shy giving them to the girls and later said, “I hope I don’t have to give these to any more girls…”

Teo handing out medals

Also, on another note, Miles and Christopher returned from Japan last Thursday. It has been SO nice to have them back. Both Teo and Niko really started to miss them towards the latter part of the trip. They have been playing with each other non-stop. We are so lucky the boys really enjoy each other. Miles had a great time on his first trip ever with only his Papa. It was a special treat for them both. And even better, he got to meet and spend time with his great grandfather, who turned 100. There was a huge celebration in the city because he was mayor for 20 years; and then they got to celebrate a special festival that happens only every 3 years. Miles got to help pull a float, see re-enactments of Samurais walking to Edo, and even played his fiddle for his great grandfather’s birthday.

Even though Teo really missed Miles, he was glad Miles went to Japan because upon his return, Miles gave him a “Hapi” coat which Teo now uses as part of his Samurai costume.

Teo the Samurai

Last night, from CQ:

“Hi honey,

Glad to hear everything OK. We are having fun here. This morning there was a cultural exchange which was really fun. They had teachers that showed members from Richmond how to do caligraphy, flower arranging, and japanese tea. Miles really enjoyed the caligraphy and was really good at it! After that, they had an exhibition of judo, karate and kendo (sword). Miles was fixated the whole time.

After the presentation, I introduced Miles to one of the judo players, and he took Miles onto the mat and sparred with him, and let him throw him. Everybody cheered – it was really funny. Also, all of the teenage girls LOVE Miles. They think he is so cute; they keep saying “Kawai desu ne, kawai desu ne!” Miles is his usual surly self, but he is starting to feel more comfortable. Right now, he is writing in his journal, and we will go to watch the Obi festival at the auditorium next door. It is raining really hard now, so many of the ceremonies will take place indoor.

We miss you guys very much. I hope that you are able to handle the 24/7 duty. I will try to call tomorrow; we woke up late this morning and had to rush out to make it to the exchange on time.

Love you lots and talk to you soon.”

An email from CQ, from last night:

“Hi honey,

I`m sorry to have been out of touch all day. Since we left Tokyo this morning it has been one thing after another. We arrived and then saw Ojichama for just a few minutes (he was resting) then Yoshinori took us to have lunch with the Richmond delegation. Then about one hour after that we went to meet the Mayor, then we were invited to a blessing on the inside of the Oi Shrine, which was my first time inside of the shrine. I think it was a very special experience for Miles. We also ran into Tamiko, who was preparing for the Obi festival with her friends. Then we went straight to the birthday / 50th anniversary ceremony and party. Poor Miles was so tired that he fell asleep before it was his turn to play violin for Ojiichama (Luckily, he played for quite a while for Ojiichama earlier in the day)! They found a small couch, and he slept through the entire reception!

Miles is doing fine, but I think tomorrow, we will definitely slow down a bit. In the morning there is a Tea Ceremony followed by a Judo and Karate show. That, I think, will be the only “official” things we will do tomorrow. Otherwise he has been great, and all of the people can`t stop talking about how handsome he is! Also, with his hair, everyone says he looks like a samurai, which I think he likes. I got a great picture with him grimacing in front of a group of teenage girls dressed in Obi festival coats.

We both miss you, and tomorrow morning before we go, maybe I will give you a call. I only have internet access through Ojiichama`s computer (no wifi).

I hope that everything went well at the doctors and that you are all doing well. I am really tired now, so I think I will go to sleep. Please give Teo and Niko a big hug and kiss from me. I miss you guys and love you very much!

Love,
me”