Our baby did not make it

When we found out we were expecting again, it was shock immediately followed by joy and excitement. Still, because of my age and past miscarriages, we knew there were risks and that the next two months would be a matter of waiting and hoping. For these reasons, we chose only to tell immediate family, planning to announce to everyone else after our ultrasound. My first two checkups with the midwives went well and my bloodwork was great. Still, I felt something was not all right. We had our ultrasound yesterday, on our ninth weding anniversary, and rather than celebrating, we found out our baby had stopped developing a while ago.
It was very hard for Miles, especially, who could not wait to see his baby on the screen, only to learn our baby did not make it. He has taken it very hard. We are all very sad.
I have tried to be detached about everything, knowing the worst could happen and knowing why it could happen. Still, the lesson i have learned is this: that one could never truly be detached, one could never be ready to hear the worst, and that even though I know of all the logical reasons why this baby did not make it, I will ask myself “why??”. If I had fully embraced this experience, risks and all, would the positive energy have made the baby stay? Crazy, I know. But you think of the what if’s and what I could’ve done differently. This I know for sure, that this was a very wanted and loved baby. I was just afraid to face the love deeply knowing we could lose her/him. But, now I know trying to distance oneself does not help. It hurts just as much. The worst part is knowing the baby is gone, but I have not gone through the physical miscarriage yet. It will be an emotional and physically painful experience. Unlike giving birth, I will not have this baby to hold.
I know we are blessed with three wonderful children. But allow us to grieve for a while for the one who is not a part of us any longer. As soon as we came home, Miles went to the playroom and drew a picturw of our house, with our address number above, and stork carrying a baby. On the other side, he wrote “Baby please come back.”
Baby, please come back. We love you and always have.